Because I'm a morbid person, I sometimes wonder what I'd be unhappy with if I were to die on any given day. What would I wish I had said to people? What would I wish people had said to me? Is there anything that would really, truly bother me that I hadn't said or done in my life?

A fresh round of these thoughts was brought on this morning when I woke up. I had a dream last night - it was completely strange and nonsensical, for the most part. In my dream, I was in a large hotel on a coast somewhere, and myself and three of my friends were being executed, by my immediate family no less. We were being beheaded out on the balcony. I was the last of the four to meet my death. As I was waiting for my turn to die, I was searching frantically for my cell phone. When I found it, I dialed the number of someone I care for very much. They answered, sounding as though I had woken them up. I apologized for waking them, and started to cry as I told them that I was never going to see them again, and desperately wanted them to know how much I loved them. That phone conversation was the one part of my dream that made sense, and I woke up promptly after it.

These thoughts have crossed my mind more and more often lately, especially as the prospect of travel is looming in my life. I'm the kind of paranoid person who thinks that it's my plane that will be the one to fall out of the sky. If I wind up going to London, I was thinking of writing a letter including all the things I would want people to know if I never got a chance to tell them. I don't have any huge number of secrets, those of you who have read my blog for a while, or who know me know that I'm a fairly open person. But there are some secrets I have kept, at least from the people they involve, for one reason or another, and some that I wouldn't want to take to the grave with me.

The thing that struck me about this was the fact that I'd rather leave a letter behind than simply say these things to people before I left. Why not simply tell these people what I'm thinking and feeling now so that I don't have to worry about what would happen if it was too late? Why not tell my father about the time I stole his car, or that as it turns out, I have been drinking before my 21st birthday, and I can hold my liquor better than he thinks? Why not tell my mom that I want nothing more than to be her when I grow up, minus the three kids? Why not tell all my friends what I really think of them, good or bad? Why not tell That Man that I am hopelessly in love with him, and love him more intensely than I've ever loved another person?

By the time I reached the last question, I had already realized the answer. I am afraid. I am afraid of the consequences of sharing these secrets. I want my mom to know how much I admire her, but I fear what she'd think of me if she knew that despite all the schooling she and my father have put me through, I think I'd be perfectly happy as a housewife. I want my father to be able to laugh at the fact that I stole his car, or tell me something that would help my occasionally improper use of alcohol, but I fear losing his trust. I want That Man to know that he is loved, deeply and completely, for everything that he is, but I fear him walking away if I were so blunt. I want my friends to know that I love them, or that I hate them, or that I can't stand their boyfriend, or that I think they're making a huge mistake, or that I think they're wasting their lives, or that I think they are impossibly talented, or that they're doing something they shouldn't, or not doing something they should, but I fear how they would react to hearing such things.

It's easiest to say these things when we have nothing to lose.

*Photos were screencapped from the trailer for the new Post Secret book, Post Secret: Confessions on Life, Death, and God by Frank Warren.



If you died today, what would you wish you had said to other people? What would you wish other people had said to you? What would be the biggest regret you'd have over something you'd done? What about over something you hadn't done?

~Jessica

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you probably have a general idea of my opinion on education - that it should focus more on the acquisition of knowledge for the sake of knowledge, and an inspiration and desire to learn on the part of the student, rather than the all too common pre-test cram and subsequent discard of information seen to be useless. The way we are generally taught now, there is significant importance placed on any sort of formal examination, which, when coupled with a very narrow minded view of what subjects are important enough to teach in the first place, does the student a disservice, in my opinion. The threat of tests always hanging over the head of a student creates a learning environment that is filled with a good deal of pressure and stress. Pressure is not always a bad thing. It can be a great motivator, up to the point that it becomes to overwhelming and causes the student to give up. Stress is generally a bad thing. It has a negative impact on our performance physically and mentally. You will never have a classroom without pressure, but I think we can all agree it is in the best interest of the student to have a classroom with as little stress as possible.

I'm sure many of you have heard this out of me before, so this is nothing new. However, whenever I am provided with a real-world example that explains why I feel the way I do, I'm compelled to share it.

While most of the schooling I have experienced in my life subscribes to the basic formula I mentioned above, when you get to college, you have the extremely beneficial opportunity to both explore a wider range of subjects, and explore them with a much more varied collection of instructors who may have vastly different teaching habits. Such is the case for me this semester. I'm taking 8 courses this semester, and have managed to get two teachers on exactly opposite ends of the spectrum regarding stress in the classroom. The first teacher started off the semester by handing out a syllabus that outlined each and every homework assignment, test, quiz, and examination that we would have all semester. The second did not inform us of any specific examinations or test days, and promptly started teaching material.

In which classroom do you think the students are more stressed?

In the first class, despite being only a few weeks into the semester, we are already behind the assigned schedule our teacher set out at the beginning, which is stressful in and of itself. With that in mind, the fact that the class is hurtling towards a specific test date is inciting worry among the students who also are not sure they're going to be prepared, because they have not learned the material. Our teacher spends a good deal of time reminding us that we are going to be tested on the material, so we'd better know it, and each time we answer something wrong, she tells us that if we can't do it, she will be marking down a poor grade for our participation that day, and if we cannot do it by the time of the test, we are going to fail. The amount of pressure this puts on the students is ridiculous, and myself and my classmates are so frustrated that we have begun seeking out assistance outside the classroom in order to make sure we will be able to pass the class. The stress level in this class is ridiculously high, and the class is generally unhappy and not succeeding.

In the second, we still have no idea when our first test is going to be. Our classtime has been spent outlining concepts and then studying practical examples of these concepts. We know that there will be a test on the material we are learning at some point in the future, but it is not being held over our heads every time we are asked to participate in class. Aside from making the class a more comfortable environment in which to participate, I find that we're actually learning what we are supposed to know. We are able to answer our professor's questions correctly in class, and the general vibe of the classroom is a very happy one. I actually like going to class and learning because I feel like I actually am learning. I understand, however, that for some people, something with more structure is more useful to them.

Is it possible that the differences are more deeply rooted in the material itself that is being taught than in the teaching style of a particular instructor? Of course. Do I think that's really the case? No, not really. Is it possible that it is too early in the semester for me to begin to pass judgements on my teachers, and that I should stick it out a while longer and see what happens? Of course. Do I think that's really the case? Not at all.

I've watched my younger sister, still in high school, buckle and fall under her workload because the amount of tests and assignments piled on her by all her classes is just so overwhelming. With even the best planning, it is difficult to deal with the amount of pressure and stress these kids are asked to deal with at such a young age, and it makes them hate school, and hate learning. There is nothing that saddens me more than a child who hates to read, or hates to write, or hates to learn because it has been made an unpleasant experience to them through a stressful learning environment.

Do you think that a certain amount of pressure in the classroom can be useful? Do you think that students today are put under too much pressure? Do you think that you excel more under a lot of pressure, or without a lot of pressure. Of the two professors described above, which would make you more comfortable in the classroom.

~Jessica